I read an article the other day entitled, 'Writing a Haiku Every Day Changed My Life' & thoughts on engaging in this medium as a way to pay close attention to what is vital and most important (to me) continued to tap me on the shoulder, insisting "pssst, do it".
The article's author stated, "When you spend this much time looking for something, you start finding it everywhere." He spoke of love everyday. I will speak of life everyday- connections to, attunements to & trust in... and hold a precious faith that what will grow will speak of love.
To be honest, unlikely will you hear me speak of love directly. For now, it is too much, too heartbreaking, too foreign (personally, interpersonally & globally). I'm recognizing I've had a willful arrogance re: Love and I have a desire to apprentice to & be in intimate conversation with the Beloved, the Lover of myself, who will assist me in putting the pieces of myself back together, rather, most likely, show I have been whole the entire time. Instruct me on how to be in this world as it is and create change, to be of service, to actively participating in the healing; this I have been doing unsustainably. Logic knows this, but heart & body insist on dropping the protection of denial for the attention of self-assurance. And so it hurts like this right now: 7 Hours by Little May https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F7DK1LBJYSc
AND as painful as it all feels at times I may share what brings me comfort in these (& my) dark times. So you may find me injecting music (that inspires and artistically expresses where I’m at when words aren’t cutting it, epic dance, ridiculous cat- (I still don’t get why I’m so tickled by watching these videos) & just things that make me go wow videos here, because I am following this advice (& I have nothing to lose for doing so): “Take special notice of the humorous situations that prompt you to laugh the loudest...Any time you roar with spontaneous amusement, you will know you have touched a congested place in your psyche that is due for a cleansing.” I’ll add, I’ve been taking special note of the heartbreaking situations that prompt me to shed tears....anytime I wail with spontaneous e-motions I know I am touching held grief, anger & frustrations that are begging to be let go of and transformed.
So I write A Haiku Every Day To Save My Life- I did come to this island in the middle of the pacific ocean with an active volcano to do just that. And only now, 8 months being here, am I seeing any semblance of truly engaging in this effort, as longing becomes stillness & paradoxically movement, black & white becomes gray, control rejects me and the windows are cracked & the doors unlocked, inviting curiosity to return home. Gifting myself time every day to “looking....finding it everywhere”.
And simply, I begin...
Inspired this morning when facebook informed me I had been friends with Becky Clough for 7 years. Believing it has been longer My friend, my muse, kindred spirit, my sister, daughter, mother. I could go on...
Haiku #1 11.14.15
Reflection of wow
Lion, mermaid, dragon fruit
Bold anchor dance me
I'm also grateful to the infamous Almost (& Janna Pate- to write & to live) for their inspiration
Haiku #2 11.15.15
Senses as I wake
Rainbow, breeze, moaning from high
2 out of 3 stars.
I wake reciting the Serenity Prayer & this song in my head.
She Doesn’t Mind- Sean Paul https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SbUBMklQSV
#F*CKOFF cazimi, or “in the heart of"
Haiku #3 11.16.15
Rested or boredom?
WTF am I (doing)?
Acceptance and numb?
Haiku #4 11.17.15 To be truly seen By eyes of another face Begin with your eyes.
Woke up with this song: All around the World https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xCKxfxvJ9YE
And this which inspired the Haiku today- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIAwd7GhcMU
Haiku #5 & #6 11.19.15- Created with various song lyrics this morning
Altar in the world
All these small things gather round https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3VMCHKwnH0
Show me where you fit https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6p6PcFFUm5I
One touch is enough https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1EidCx-idrw
Enough rain to make your storm. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hF7CAY1WDOs
Sway, just move with me. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-n7Jjpx4s2A
Haiku #7-#11 11.24.15
I ball my eyes out
I say, “pull it together”.
That stern voice I know
Notice the new beat.
Dancing to a different drum
The rhythm is slow.
Stop that. Stop what? Guilt.
It means I have some control.
Last words, “You’ve got this.”
“Eyes”, “you’re the best you’re the best”.
Neither are with me.
Question every move.
“You look like you smile a lot.”
My face muscles hurt.
Follow the heart lines.
But how, when they are broken?
Start clowning around.
Haiku #12 11.25.15
How do I practice
art of losing control when
I am impulsive?
This mug is with me on the Big Island, HI. It's weird the things you feel you can't live without & ship across the pacific ocean to bring comfort. The mug bought at the MLK Center in Atlanta when I visited for my 25 year HS reunion last year.
Yesterday was the 13 year anniversary of my departing Atlanta, the south, my home and heading west to Phoenix, AZ, then Rollinsville, CO, then Moab, UT & now Hawaii. My heart races just reflecting on it. That shit's real.
I love this picture, not just because of the community (people and place) I love that surrounded me that day, but because I really see me looking at you, looking at me. It's real, vulnerable, mischievous, mysterious, embodied. It grounds me in times, such as these, when I'm palpably on an island in the middle of the pacific in a rainstorm and I can't see more than a 100 yds in all directions. Heart lines serve as road maps when the path is unclear. I'm grateful to you.
Haiku #13 11.26.1
"Power at its best is LOVE implementing the demands of justice. Justice at its best is LOVE correcting everything that stands against LOVE." MLK
Lighthouse of my heart.
Like a chart with no ocean.
Look at where we are.
Haiku #14 11.27.15
Com, means ‘together’.
No human is an island.
passus, means ‘a pace’.
“Faith cannot be defined within the compass of human thought” Author unknown
No Haiku today
I’ve got more to say with heart
bleeding for healing.
Last night I wrote this:
How do I go peacefully?
I don’t want to die in pain.
“You already are dying in pain”
Please God show me the way
I feel trapped in my body
Unable to move
My alter, my body
My inner child
My precious lil Jenny
I’m a sweet Bear
And a force to be reckoned with
And I’m scared shitless for the
future I see
It’s fucking nuts
My heart breaks
We are such a fearful
people, us humans.
My heart raises at the
thought. How do I
You didn’t fight for me, stand up
I miss my Daddy.
Helping me make decisions
Why am I so proud?
They have always helped you
financially when you’ve asked
What do you really want to ask?
Please take care of me
Take care of this mess (pen running out)
That I’ve become
I need you Stephanie
Everything hurts & then
they’re gonna be gone.
“They’ve been gone from the start”
-unreliable, undependable WTF?
Parallel lives, I’m always a bit
ahead. Whose next or was I
Rob’s grave. carol’s registry
My loving, gracious father.
Give me, tell me adjectives
that describe your experience
of Steph dying & subsequent
inability of your surviving
daughter unable to see your
first born’s only surviving
son. O’ & did I mention
my dad’s dad died in a car crash too?
“Tell them about Red Mountain Pass
You don’t want to take that
to your grave.”
That shits real
Hungry Ghosts (pen fading again)
sam(sara) pen fade....
sara who? You went to her after (me).
Becky Clough - sisters.
I love you Baby
I love you too.
You’ve got this, go take care of
your parents, your folks.
Mom & Dad.
I want to sail to you
sail to Sweden, Belgium, Copenhagen
Prague- I don’t think that’s possible
Just sounds cool.
I want to sail with artist
Your timing is impeccable
Where have you been all my life?
What fucking took you so long?
So much pain
Can I recover?
Where do I begin?
I’m stuck, can’t move
She writes like poetry (Sophia)
Minister the people
Council of All Beings
Support, not carry
the weight of the world.
It’s time to grow up people
& stop behaving like selfish
maybe it’s not selfish but
self care got such a bad
rap with the onslaught of
time & work
And now look at (pen fading) US.
is a revolutionary
And it will save
the world pachimama
“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.” ~ Louise Erdrich
Thousands of things go right for you every day, beginning the moment you wake up. Through some hocus-pocus you don't fully understand, you are still breathing and your heart is beating, even though you have been unconscious for many hours. The air is a mix of gases that's just right for your body's needs, as it was before you fell asleep.
. You can see! Light of many colors and shapes floods into your eyes, registered and transmitted to your brain by a complex web of neurons that took Goddess or evolution billions of years to perfect.
. The interesting gift of these vivid colors and shapes is made possible by an unimaginably immense globe of fire, the sun, which ceaselessly detonates nuclear explosions in order to convert its own body into light and heat and energy for your personal use.
. You can raise a glass of water to your lips. You can button your shirt. You can wash your hair and beat on a drum and draw infinity signs on a piece of paper. Your hands work wonderfully well. Your heart circulates your blood all the way out to replenish the energy of the muscles and nerves in your fingers and palms and wrists. And after your blood has delivered its blessings, it finds its way back to your heart to be refreshed. This astonishing mystery recurs over and over again without stopping every minute of your life.
. Language is another stupendous marvel. Millions of souls have cooperated intricately for untold centuries to cultivate a system of communication that you understand very well. Your ability to speak and read and write makes you feel strong and dynamic. It provides you with a crucial resource to make sense of the riotous cavalcade that always surrounds you. It enables you to indulge in one of your favorite pleasures, which is to hear and tell stories.
. According to my inside sources, you have personal possession of the universe's most monumental and mysterious accomplishment. We take it for granted and refer to it with the pedestrian term "consciousness" . . . but this mercurial flash and dazzle that whirls around inside your head is outlandishly spectacular. You can think thoughts any time you want to -- soaring, luminescent, flamboyant thoughts or shriveled, rusty, burrowing thoughts . . . thoughts that can invent or destroy, corrupt or redeem, bless or curse.
. But wait. There's more. You can revel and wallow in great oceans of emotion. Whether they are poignant or intoxicating or somewhere in between, you relish the fact that you can harbor so much intensity. You cherish the privilege of commanding such extravagant life force.
. The best part of being in possession of the universe's most monumental and mysterious accomplishment is this: You have at your disposal a prodigiously potent creative tool. It's called your imagination. If there's a specific experience or object you want to bring into your world, the first thing you do is visualize it. The practical actions you take to live the life you want to live always refer back to the pictures in your mind's eye. And so every goal you fulfill, every quest you carry out, every liberation you achieve, begins as an inner vision. Your imagination is the engine of your destiny. It's the catalyst with which you design your future.
. I've got to ask you: How is any of this even possible? What colossal secret intelligence or improbable series of fabulous accidents conspired to bestow upon you all these superpowers?
. Of the millions of things that have gone right for you during your time on Earth, the first was your birth. It was a difficult miracle that involved many people who worked very hard on your behalf. No less amazing is the fact that you have continued to bloom ever since then, with new cells being born within you all the time to replace the old cells that are dying.
. At this very moment, there are 50 trillion cells in your body, and each of them is really a sentient being in its own right. They all act together as a community, consecrating you with their breathtaking collaboration. It's just like magic.
. To celebrate our extreme good fortune, I invite you to sing praises and exaltations:
. Everywhere we look: glory
Every time we move: glory
Every step we take: soaring glory
Every breath we take: roaring glory
Soaring roaring uproarious glory
is our story
Soaring roaring uproarious glory
is our story
12/31/15 12:46am EST
It’s been awhile....
2.17.16 https://vimeo.com/50118833 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JZ5DiR26ygE I thought of you
Heartbreak opens onto the sunrise
For even breaking is opening
And I am broken
Broken to the new light without pushing in
Open to the possibilities within, pushing out
See the love shine in through my cracks?
See the light shine out through me?
I am broken
I am open
I am broken open
See the love light shining through me
Shining through my cracks
Through the gaps
My spirit takes journey
My spirit takes flight
Could not have risen otherwise
And I am not running
Running is not a choice from the breaking
Breaking is freeing
Broken is freedom
I am not broken
~ Spoken by Alike (Adepero Oduye) Pariah 2011
Written by Dee Rees
Friday, day after a "spicy" 8 day shift that included what the Ohana's called a "Dance party" & I called Movement Therapy- including this:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vYD1UkN_KGI + a shortened, intense & productive adult-ing 5 days off prior, including court-ing, tough love, sweating prayers & letting go. + *BONUS I didn't blow a circuit, body relatively pain free. No regrets. = I feel blessed (& still melancholy & anticipatory) to name only a few emotions I am experiencing.
It's a rainy day. Perfect for staying in, while all the housemates are out. Napping, Hot tub, views & surround sounds with these two. Content. Needed. Grateful.
Excerpt from Embodying the Zodiac Imagine inside of yourself is the Ocean. Feel that gentle rocking. And the endless current. The dissolving of any structures that are left for any length of time. Feel the mystery of the underwater environment. The foreignness, the other world that exists within. And all manner of beings that look & function so differently. That breathe through water instead of ether. If the inside of your body was the ocean can you feel the swelling & the expansion? And can you feel this gentle, condensing, contracting? Like the tides rolling in & out. And as you breathe. And breathe thru the fluids that are in your body, this eternal ocean. Can you feel how the movement of your breathe can travel anywhere in your body? Movement of your breathe presses out into the surrounding tissues. And all tissues, of course, are mostly made of fluid. And the movement of fluid knows no boundary.